Jumping to Conclusions
by Chibi Lover XDDD
Summary: Poor Naruto always jumps to conclusions when he hears Sasuke speak. Crackfic. SasuNaru.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: My first one-shot! Woo hoo! Well, I really should have used this time to write the last chapter of KOK (or at least work on my mountain of homework), but when the plot bunnies attack, you must submit to their will. Even if it's a short little piec of crap, you must.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto or the term "plot bunnies". Yet. evil theme music begins to play**

**WARNINGS: Slight OOC-ness (what's a crack-fic without it?), bad language, sexual context**

_**-Ja Ne XDDD**_

Naruto was just walking by the mall when he heard Sasuke say to some guys:

"Man I'm so hard"

sweatdrop

A normal person would have walked away and pretended that nothing ever happened, or convinced himself that he had misheard, but well, this was Naruto. He ran over to Sasuke, nearly out of breath, and said,

"What the hell did you just say, teme?"

Sasuke just stared at him and replied, "What do you mean, loser?"

"You know what I mean! You just up and told everyone that you were HARD! What the hell?!"

By now, everyone at the mall entrance was staring. Sasuke didn't seem to be too surprised, but he was blinking more than usual. After about two minutes of staring, He calmly said, "Idiot. Hard is slang. It's like saying 'I'm so cool.' And teme isn't a noun; it's a derogatory - or mean – way of saying 'you'."

After hearing all of this, Naruto had a heavy blush on his face. He was barely even able to stutter out his apologies before running out.

--

A few days later, Naruto was heading towards the arcade when he noticed Sasuke walking out of the movie theater. Naruto was running up to Sasuke when he overheard Sasuke say something that sounded like "I'm gay"

jawdrop

As soon as Naruto heard this, he rushed over to Sasuke and said,

"Sasuke! WHAT the HELL?!"

Everyone coming out of the movie theater, and half the people on the street turned around, and even Sasuke's eyes were open wider than usual. However, he DID manage to regain his composure before anyone noticed and say, "What do you want, Naruto?"

Naruto was breathing hard and blushing slightly as he said, "Since when are YOU gay?!" .

"What the hell do you mean, moron?"

"Right now! You just said you're gay!"

…

…

…

" 'Gay' means 'happy'."

"No it doesn't!

"If you don't believe me, look it up in the dictionary."

Naruto was about to leave, when he realized something and turned around.

"Wait a minute! You're NEVER happy!"

…

…

…

"Are you really that stupid?"

"But you never smile or laugh or do ANYTHING happiness-related! You only have two emotions: icy depressed emo-bastard and pissed off emo-bastard."

"Idiot, I get happy. I just don't walk around acting as if the sun shines out of my freakin' ass every time I do."

"Oh. Then why are you happy?"

"I _was_ happy because my fangirls were leaving me alone today and I didn't have an annoying blonde brat on my ass, but I guess that's ruined."

Remember that slight blush that Naruto had on earlier? Well, now it was deep enough to go against Hinata's for the deepest blush in Konoha recorded history. Naruto couldn't even apologize before he ran out of the area with Kyuubi-powered speed.

--

Naruto, after finishing his usual Saturday night ten bowls of Ramen, was getting ready to leave when he heard a familiar voice at one of the tables. And what he said made Naruto white as a sheet.

"Man, I wanted to eat NARUTO so badly!" said Sasuke.

Naruto was about to go over there, before he remembered the last two times he did this.

'It's just my imagination. It's just my imagination. It's just-"

"Next time I'm around here, I'm going to have to have my fill of NARUTO."

crack

That was the sound of whatever rational thinking process Naruto ever had snapping in two.

"You Bastard! What the hell are you doing having dirty thoughts about me in this sacred Ramen shop?!"

"Naruto, I"

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm FLATTERED, but we're best friends/mortal enemies! And your fangirls will kill me! Oh my GOD are there any of them here?!"

"Naruto, I've been meaning to ask you for a while, but are you actually mentally retarded? Or did I hit you in the head too hard during one of our training sessions?"

"B-but I heard you! You said you wanted to EAT me! You said, "Man, I wanted to eat Naruto so badly!"

"Naruto the FISHCAKE. The ingredient in ramen. They ran out because bowls that had it were on sale."

…

This time, Naruto's blush was not only able to compete with Hinata's, but it was able to knock hers out of the water. He was literally as red as a tomato. Poor Naruto would never be able to show his face at Irichaku's again (for the next two days).

--

Naruto and Sasuke were walking home for a mission, and they were just about to start walking in opposite directions. They _were_ about to, until Naruto heard Sasuke say,

"I want to fuck you."

…

…

'This has to be my imagination again… right?'

…

…

…

"Hey, teme, wait up!"

Sasuke turned around with his usual look of annoyance and said, "What do you want now? And what did I tell you about using that word?"

"U-um, right. But Sasuke, what did you just say?"

"What. Do. You. Want. Now?"

"No, before that. You said, 'I want to fuck you'"

"Yeah."

"You meant, 'I want to fuck you… up,' right?"

"No. I said what I meant."

"WHAT?!"

"I want to fuck you. Hard. Anal. In my room. On my bed. Preferably with bondage."

".. **WHAT?!**"

"It doesn't have to be in my room. How do you feel about Konoha Academy?"

"B-but you said you weren't gay!"

"No, I didn't. I just said that gay means happy."

"B-but …B-but…"

"Are you just going to stand there and stutter like an idiot are are you going to come to my house?"

"Fuck off!"

"Make me."

"AARGH!"

**AN: It's finished. I don't know if it was even worth my – or for that matter – your time, but it's finished, and I'm posting it. Before I go, though, I have one last message:**

**If you've read KOK, then you'd know that every time a person reads my stories without reviewing, a chibi gets denied a cookie. This time, it's a chibi Sasuke. If you don't give him a cookie, he'll cry big chibi emo-tears of blood. DO YOU WANT THAT ON YOUR CONSCIENCE?!**

_**Ja Ne XDDD**_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N****: Hey guys! I can't believe I'm actually writing a chapter 2 for this fic. But incase you're wondering, the reason for doing this is NOT because of plot bunnies, OR the fact that I got more reviews for this story than my others put together, or even because of requests for a sequel. The simple reason for this update is Chapter 397 of the Naruto manga. I mean, Sasuke actually **_**cried**_**big emo tears! Of BLOOD (If you're wondering why this is so important, read the A/N at the bottom of the last chapter)! I couldn't NOT write this! **

**Disclaimer: (checks piggybank) Nope, I don't have enough money to buy Naruto. I don't even have enough money to buy (shudder)**_**Orochimaru**_**.**

**Warnings: After reading this fic, you will lose about 10 IQ points. And all belief that ramen isn't an aphrodisiac. It's already too late for Naruto. OOC, sexual context**

_**Ja Ne XDDD**_

* * *

_Using Naruto's frustration, Sasuke convinced Naruto that he **didn't**like Sakura, and was gay, too, which gave him the opportunity to take Naruto to his room (he drew the line at Konoha Academy) where they had sex, made love, did the horizontal tango, attempted to make manbabies, etc. Naruto had himself balled up, in the far corner of the bed, desperately attempting to avoid eye contact with the youngest Uchiha. That's when a scantily dressed Sasuke turned over and said,_

"What's wrong, Naruto?"

"You took my innocence" said Naruto, still averting his gaze.

"Awe, come on, Naruto, it couldn't have been that bad"

"That bad?! You raped me!"

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did!"

"You can't rape the willing."

"I WASN'T WILLING!"

"Oh, _really_" Sasuke said, a smirk forming on his pale lips. "You could've fooled me. You know, with all the, 'More, Sasuke!'s and 'Harder, Sasuke!'s you were practically screaming out."

"I-I did not!" Naruto stammered out.

Sasuke's smirk was now apparent. He even through in a little bit of fake shock as he said, "You _didn't_? But if that wasn't _you_ moaning, then who was it?" With that statement, he pulled out a tape recorder, which was play a voice shockingly similar to Naruto's, breathlessly calling out Sasuke's name in between moans.

"You BASTARD!" screamed Naruto, as came out of his ball, dashing for the tape recorder and smashing it into pieces.

"Go ahead and break it. The quality wasn't nearly as good as the video I made or the DVD, or the-"

CRACK!

Naruto drove his tanned fist into Sasuke's face, breaking his nose. Sasuke's body didn't even flinch at the strong contact, and he maintained his usual expressionless face, even though the warm red liquid was dripping down his nose and falling into his mouth as he opened it. Naruto growled, and tried to look scary, but since he was still blushing, and only had a silk blanket covering very little of his tanned body, he didn't look threatening at all.

"I'll never forgive you, Sasuke!"

"Why won't you _'ever forgive me'_?" Sasuke said, clearly unfazed by this empty threat.

"This was never supposed to happen! At least… not like this!"

"What do you mean by that?"

"I… I pictured myself being…" Naruto's blush deepened "on top."

"Impossible." Sasuke said flatly.

"WHY NOT?!" Naruto yelled.

"Because I'm taller, stronger, more buff, older, and more mature. Plus, I refuse to be uke."

"You ASSHOLE!"

"_Your_ asshole."

"RAPIST!"

"You can't rape the willing."

"_Go to hell_, you emo-bastard who is one with the stick up his ass!"

"As I recall, you were the one with a stick up his ass last night, NarUKE-chan."

"BASTARD!"

…

…

…

"So…" Sasuke started. "You wanna do it again?"

"… Sure, why not."

"Can we do it at Konoha Academy?"

"NO!!"

_And so, they lived happily, and lustfully, ever after._

**Owari**

* * *

**A/N:Sorry it's so short. I did this in like, 2 hours while listening to my ipod. I honestly thought that this chapter was going to stay in Microsoft Word, halfway finished until I decided to just forget the whole thing. (Places a copy of story on alter and lights candles) Does this please you, plot bunnies?**

**Every time a person reads my stories without reviewing, a chibi gets denied a cookie. This time, it's a chibi Sakura. If you don't give her cookies, she can't get fat and even more unattractive, and Naru-chan won't be able to fall out of love with her, so he'd never fall in love with Sasuke as Sakura loses her foot to diabetes. (I don't hate Sakura anymore, but I recognize the fact that a lot of SasuNaru fans do)**

**Ja Ne XDDD**


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